Happy Tofurky Day!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Enjoy your tofurky (or turkey, if you're a meat-eating lass). Nothing like good noms, football, shopping and those lovable friends and relatives to help us gay girls get in the holiday spirit!

#21 Frequent WNBA games to be with "your people."

Every lesbian pilgrimages to at least one WNBA game a year. That's because WNBA games are thinly veiled lesbian social events. All the dykes in town will go simply to ogle the athletes (is she or isn't she?) and scan the crowd for exes and anyone sitting next to them who might be more than a friend (is she or isn't she?).

It's like the perfect storm of lesbian entertainment: hot female athletes who may or may not be "playing" for our "team," an assortment of people we know and don't know and know through people we know, exes, soon to be exes, nachos, beer, and assigned seating. It's like we were made for one anther. Lesbians + WNBA = BFF.

Hairstyles of the Queer and Female: The "I'm Growing Out My Shaved Head"

One of the most traditional lesbian rites of passage is shaving one's head. The second most traditional rite of passage is growing out one's shaved head. This usually happens after the once enthusiastic lesbian realizes that a) her head is shaped like a gourd...a dented gourd with curves in all the wrong places b) she does not in fact, look like a young, "Out of Range" era Ani DiFranco and c) it's chilly without any hair.

#20 Be hypercompetitive with the men in your neighborhood when it comes to yard care.

It's an unspoken rivalry, one that permeates every residential street in America and keeps Home Depot in business. We're not edging lawns and mowing in diagonal, equidistant criss-cross patterns for our health. We're doing it because all the straight men on our block do it. We're absolutely terrified that people will think our yard is less fabulous and manicured because there is NO MAN AROUND. So we overcompensate. And compete. Oh, how we compete. That's right Bob-Who-Lives-in-the-Tudor-on-the-corner, we're talking about you.

Who cares if we choke on gas blower fumes and talk about "hardscapes" more than any person really should. Anything heterosexual men can do, we can do better. Like aerating lawns. And hardscapes, have I mentioned hardscapes?

Back in the Saddle

Has it really been almost a year and half since I last posted? Where has the time gone? Where have you been receiving your Lesbian Instructions in my absence?

I'm back. Stay tuned.

#19 Complain about how you're tired of the lesbian dating scene and just want to find "the one."

There are two things lesbians fear most in the world: 1) the Indigo Girls announcing their retirement and 2) being single. We are so terrified at the thought of having to "date" and "get to know someone before co-signing a mortgage" we usually jump from one committed relationship to another with zero downtime. On the off chance we don't have a girl already lined up, we end up testing the murky waters of the Lesbian Dating Pool, where going on more than two dates in your lifetime qualifies you as a grizzled veteran.

#18 Imagine and insert a lesbian subtext in any TV show or movie featuring two or more women.

Perhaps it's wishful thinking. Perhaps we know something the actresses, writers, directors, producers, and all other viewers of the show do not. With our special ELP (Extra-Lesbian Perception) powers, we can spot italicized behavior with swift accuracy: you know, when a look becomes a look, a touch becomes a touch, and a thinly veiled excuse to giggle and fall onto the bed together becomes a thinly veiled excuse to giggle and fall onto the bed together.

Photo: someecards