#16 Immediately disappear off the face of the Earth when you enter a relationship.

No one disappears in a puff of domestic bliss more quickly than dykes. The Federal Witness Protection Program often provides its witnesses new identities as freshly coupled lesbians. They will surely never be seen or heard from again. It's impossible to track down two women nesting inside their 1935 Craftsman fixer-upper, especially with Netflix and Thai food delivery at their disposal.

Photo: someecards

#14 Rename "beating a dead horse" as "having a dialogue."

Topic suggested by one of our intrepid readers!

Ah, the time honored lesbian tradition of processing. The term “paralysis by analysis” did not originate in the workplace…it came from introspective lesbians who fossilized in their sensible chairs after hours of intimate discussion, still clutching their alpaca wool sweaters and mugs of herbal tea for comfort.

The five most important phrases in a lesbian’s lexicon:

1. Let’s talk about me.


2. Let’s talk about you.


3. Let’s talk about us.


4. Let’s talk about our relationship.


5. Let’s talk about me, you, us, and our relationship.

Photo: someecards

#5 Correct other people's grammar and spelling on Craigslist.

The Craigslist W4W section breaks down as follows: 20% queer women, 20% straight men posing as queer women, and 60% former Spelling Bee Champions. We consider it our civic duty to punish those who use improper apostrophes and dare post without first consulting the Chicago Manual of Style. Can you spell p-a-s-s-i-v-e...a-g-g-r-e-s-s-i-v-e?

Photo: thiagofest [stock.xchng]

#3 Continue living with your ex after you break up.

Lesbian relationships never truly end. They linger and drag until one partner mercifully packs up her Lilith Fair memorabilia and moves in with the vegan massage therapist she's known for two weeks. Contrary to popular belief, living with an ex and dating others does not pose a problem. Chances are, the woman you're dating is also living with her ex. Mazel Tov!