There are two things lesbians fear most in the world: 1) the Indigo Girls announcing their retirement and 2) being single. We are so terrified at the thought of having to "date" and "get to know someone before co-signing a mortgage" we usually jump from one committed relationship to another with zero downtime. On the off chance we don't have a girl already lined up, we end up testing the murky waters of the Lesbian Dating Pool, where going on more than two dates in your lifetime qualifies you as a grizzled veteran.

Perhaps it's wishful thinking. Perhaps we know something the actresses, writers, directors, producers, and all other viewers of the show do not. With our special ELP (Extra-Lesbian Perception) powers, we can spot italicized behavior with swift accuracy: you know, when a look becomes a look, a touch becomes a touch, and a thinly veiled excuse to giggle and fall onto the bed together becomes a thinly veiled excuse to giggle and fall onto the bed together.

Photo: someecards

As lesbians, we never know when we might be called upon to suddenly weld something at 10pm on a Tuesday night. Nevermind we don't know how to weld and actually make our living as tax accountants. We will be prepared in our flame retardant Carhartt workwear!

Photo: WorkingPerson

No one disappears in a puff of domestic bliss more quickly than dykes. The Federal Witness Protection Program often provides its witnesses new identities as freshly coupled lesbians. They will surely never be seen or heard from again. It's impossible to track down two women nesting inside their 1935 Craftsman fixer-upper, especially with Netflix and Thai food delivery at their disposal.
Photo: someecards

(rainbow stickers) + (feminist stickers) + (marriage equality stickers) + (pro-choice stickers) + (dog/cat stickers) + (wicca stickers) + (green party stickers) + (vegetarian stickers) + (anti-war stickers) + (diversity stickers) / (total bumper stickers) = probability car is owned by a lesbian

Photo: Wikipedia

#14 Rename "beating a dead horse" as "having a dialogue."

Monday, July 14, 2008 |

Topic suggested by one of our intrepid readers!

Ah, the time honored lesbian tradition of processing. The term “paralysis by analysis” did not originate in the workplace…it came from introspective lesbians who fossilized in their sensible chairs after hours of intimate discussion, still clutching their alpaca wool sweaters and mugs of herbal tea for comfort.

The five most important phrases in a lesbian’s lexicon:

  1. Let’s talk about me.

  2. Let’s talk about you.

  3. Let’s talk about us.

  4. Let’s talk about our relationship.

  5. Let’s talk about me, you, us, and our relationship.

Photo: someecards

Everyone writes tortured, angst-ridden love poetry. What differentiates lesbians is we love to read ours aloud in public.

#12 Transition your outfit from golf to evening wear.

Thursday, July 10, 2008 |

Lesbians love golf. I think it’s because we’re encouraged to wear polo shirts and pleated shorts. Not to mention sweater vests and visors. What's really awesome is being able to stroll off the 18th fairway and go straight to a coffee date at Starbucks without having to change outfits.


#11 Build unrealistic expectations through online dating.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008 |

It's simple really:
  1. Find a woman whose online profile you fancy.
  2. Analyze every detail of the three blurry, poorly sized photos she posted.
  3. Assume intimacy because you know her astrological sign and preferences when it comes to her date's alcohol consumption.
  4. Overshare and overshare some more in lengthy email conversations.
  5. Declare your love after the fifth email.
  6. Finally arrange to meet (in person!) your long-awaited soulmate and the woman of your dreams.
  7. Within 15 minutes of meeting become crushed, bewildered, jaded and angry when she turns out to be nothing like you imagined.
  8. Go home.
  9. Never contact her again.
  10. Swear off online dating because you never meet anyone normal.

Photo: someecards

#10 Be a poor grad student the majority of your adult life.

Sunday, July 6, 2008 |

Lesbians are martyrs carrying student loan debt. We take it upon ourselves to cure the world of its ills and help the less fortunate. Hence, we sign up for years of graduate school in order to earn advanced degrees in lucrative fields such as education, social work, and public policy. You're welcome.
Photo: someecards

#9 Stand with your hands in your pockets.

Friday, July 4, 2008 |

This is the #1 way to spot a lesbian. It does not even occur to straight women to shove their hands deep into the front pockets of their jeans. If you really want to beep on the Gaydar, stand with your legs slightly apart and knees locked. This is known as The Stance. Practice makes perfect.

Hairstyles of the Queer and Female: The Nondescript

Thursday, July 3, 2008 |

Lesbians are busy. So busy, in fact, we cannot be bothered to style or cut our hair in any discernible manner. We don't want to shave it off, but we don't want to commit to any semblance of an actual haircut either, so our hair ends up looking as if it's been groomed at night by Flowbee-wielding Gremlins, and uninspired ones at that. And that folks, is what they call The Nondescript.
Photo: Flowbee

We lesbians are a shy bunch. It's a miracle we ever get together. We prefer to hide under the brims of our baseball caps and post desperate, cryptic "Missed Connections" on Craigslist the next day.

Photo: someecards

Hairstyles of the Queer and Female: The Ponytail

Tuesday, July 1, 2008 |

Many active lesbians prefer to wear their hair in a ponytail at all times. It helps us cultivate an image of 24/7 casual sportiness, which in turn gives us recreational athlete street cred. Ideally, the ponytail is pulled so tight and slick the slightest vibration will cause an eye to pop out. Sporty femmes purchase 14% of all eye patches sold in the U.S. every year.
Photo: University of Texas